


Andmoreagain: Lavender

by darefanny



Series: Andmoreagain [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpha Tony Stark, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biting, Body Dysphoria, Depression, Dom Steve Rogers, Dom Tony Stark, Empathic Bonds, Established Relationship, Kid Fic, M/M, Mpreg, Omega Steve Rogers, Oral Sex, Parenthood, Porn with Feelings, Possessive Steve Rogers, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, Rough Sex, Sub Tony Stark, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29178897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darefanny/pseuds/darefanny
Summary: The Audi finally stops at a remote, empty parking lot. You would expect one of them to comment the fact somehow, but neither of them does. They just sit there, the rain drumming the roof of the car. Despite everything, it’s a comfortable silence and it gently waits until they are ready.After Steve and Tony get back together, everything is almost perfect.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Andmoreagain [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142177
Comments: 12
Kudos: 95





	1. Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> *dramatic sigh* Oh boy. I really am not sure how I got here, but fuck it I guess. x) This was supposed to be just some messy prelude and included in what is now part three of this, but it grew into its own arc. Let me be the first to say that there's definitely some things here that could be argumented as being out of character, but I've confidently swept them under the metaphorical rug in my mind and am happy with the text as it is. Unlike the first part, this is a very Steve centric text, but I think all in all very similar in atmosphere with the first.
> 
> \- fanny

_Lavender  
Meaning: [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], distrust_

***

Life is perfect while he’s carrying. At first, it’s hard to stay out of world-saving business, but as he gets used to staying at home, Steve finds himself enjoying the life. He spends his days drawing, sleeping and catching up on culture from the decades he’s missed.

Some things are challenging, of course. The amount of calories he has to consume during the last months is beyond absurd, and Tony insists on hiring a special chef to make sure Steve is provided with as much food as he and the twins need. That becomes a small problem, too, when Tony grows increasingly protective and territorial towards the end of the pregnancy, and even the presence of the omega chef begins to irk him. Steve doesn’t mind her; in fact, he really enjoys her company and listens to her advice eagerly. She has four kids herself, so there’s a lot to learn from her.

Steve misses proper exercise too. He’s tired of walks that don’t even get his heart rate up - which is the point, he knows – but. He. Is. Tired. Of. Them. Swimming is a little better, but again, never feels like enough. And even though the woman at prenatal care keeps bringing up how good yoga or at least pilates would be for him, he doesn’t really even consider those. He’s not that modern yet, never-mind how ridiculous it would be with his current body. Tony actually laughs out loud when the lady mentions those the first time, earning a sharp glance from Steve.

Tony is… well. He’s probably the one that should be doing yoga, considering how he seems unable to focus on anything else than the twins’ arrival. One night, Steve wakes up to his alpha suddenly jumping up, muttering something about childproof windows and vanishing from the room with that. He listens to Tony rattle downstairs for fifteen minutes before going after him and telling him to come back to bed. It gets a little tiring at times, but all in all it’s quite endearing.

Despite his fussing, Tony’s in good spirits, full of energy all the time. When Steve gets on a mood, he endures it patiently; when Steve begins to worry, he halts the fussing and becomes his rock. He’s also horny as hell, which sometimes gets them into borderline comical situations, like laying on the kitchen floor stuck together while Steve’s half-ready breakfast gets cold on the stove. But Steve can’t pretend he doesn’t welcome it, his state making him needy physically and emotionally alike. At its wildest it’s almost like during heat, Steve waking up with Tony already inside of him just like he’s asked for, the house too full of pheromones for anyone else to even consider entering it.

So, perfect. When the time comes, giving birth is relatively easy as well, the serum making it no problem for Steve to go through it naturally. Steve prepares his “I can do this all day” -mentality when the contractions start, but active labor is over in three hours. It’s a relief, because the serum burns any pain medication through his system too quickly for it to work properly, and there is a point where he feels like passing out from the pain. Tony holds his hand through the whole thing, uncharacteristically silent but present.

At 01:26 am on a crisp night on January, they have two healthy sons. Steve feels a weight drop off his shoulders – despite the doctors reassuring him that it wasn’t going to happen, he’d still worried that his children could inherit his unfortunate genetics from the time before the serum. But everything seems to be fine, both boys getting a perfect score from the doctor.

There is nothing that could’ve prepared Steve for the euphoria of getting his own child into his arms. Kieran, as they soon decide he’s called, meets his eyes after a bit of searching, and Steve forgets how to breathe. The whole world disappears from around him, a warmth unlike anything he’s ever felt washing over him. The small human being pressed against him blinks tiredly and he’s perfect, the bond drowning Steve with a sense of belonging together and such a pure feeling of love it’s hard to comprehend. He takes a sharp breath, tears streaming down his cheeks, and whispers a choked “hello”.

It’s almost too much when he remembers that there’s another, another one that’s secure in Tony’s arms right next to him. His eyes meet Tony’s, and what they share is unreal, the bond between them appearing so crystal clear and strong in this moment that it feels like its own entity. Tony’s spilling tears like it’s the end of the world – in some weird, massively positive way, of course – and Steve smiles at him, then follows his eyes to the other flawless being. His heart stops again for second, and he wonders how had he not known that there was something like this in the world, when it’s so obvious, so rich that everything else seems meaningless next to it. It’s like he has loved these two humans from the day he was born himself, or at least from the day he met Tony.

”I love you”, he says, and it’s meant for Tony but through him, for the twins too. Tony has to swallow a couple of times, his expression defenseless, before he can answer.

Steve’s eyes fall back to the baby in his arms. They both have Tony’s dark hair.

”Perfect. Just like daddy said you would be.”

Steve gets to feed the babies before they’re taken away for washing. Tony is welcomed to assist the midwife in the task, and Steve watches him from the bed, a tired smile on his face. Tony’s found his voice again, and he’s showering the little ones with words of endearment, his hands impossibly gentle as he cleans them.

Afterwards, the other one – Emmett, as he’ll be – falls asleep in Steve’s arms. When he’s finally able to take his eyes off of him, Steve lets his own eyes fall closed too, feeling sweetly numb and exhausted. There should still probably be pain, but the overwhelming sensation of happiness keeps him from feeling it. Tony is right next to him with the other one, and Steve listens to Tony coo at him quietly for a long time, eventually lulling him asleep too. He feels Tony get up and settle the baby to his bassinet.

”Take him, too”, he says, opening his eyes and offering the baby from his arms. He doesn’t really want to give the baby away, but he’s afraid of falling asleep and failing to support him.

When Tony turns to him, for a second he looks like Steve’s trusting him with his heart, beating raw and vulnerable in his hands, and in a way he is. Some omegas get very protective right after giving birth, and may growl even at their alphas when they try to get close to the newborn. Steve can feel the smallest hint of that, enough that he recognises the feeling, but at the same time he knows that Tony loves the babies just as much as him and that Tony’s hands are the safest his children could ever be in besides his own. He doesn’t only know it; he feels it through the bond, feels how much Tony loves them already.

When both babies are sleeping in their own bassinets peacefully, they’re finally able to be close to each other – a real problem with twins, no way to touch the other when all hands are full of baby. Tony climbs back to the bed, wrapping his arms around Steve and kisses his cheek.

”You’re beautiful”, he says earnestly.

Steve settles down, yawning so deep he thinks his jaw will dislocate. He snuggles as close to Tony as possible. ”Thank you. I love you. Please be quiet.”

He falls asleep to Tony stroking his hair.

***

It takes only a few days for Steve’s body to fully heal from giving birth, which seems to astonish everyone else but him. He’s not back to how he was before pregnancy yet – that will require a bit more time and training – but at a quick glance you could never guess that he’s just delivered twins. His body is ready for what Steve knows he should do, which is to get back in shape and prepare for eventually returning back to the field. While taking care of the twins, of course.

But his mind is another matter. They return back home from the hospital – about which they originally got into a fight over until Steve finally gave in to Tony’s demand that it had to be a private, ridiculously expensive one – the day following the night of the twins’ birth. Everything seems to be fine at first, but Steve doesn’t feel right from the moment he steps out of the car and carries the babies to their home for the first time with Tony.

It starts with an inability to sleep. The babies aren’t directly the reason, both of them eating and sleeping well with minimal crying. Still, Steve finds himself fluctuating between rolling in bed and getting up to check on them during the nights. Tony thinks it’s just over-worrying at first, and so does Steve.

The next thing to get affected is his appetite. It is the last thing he could ever imagine becoming a problem for him, and that makes Steve realise that this might be more serious than just the stress of a new parent. But he pushes the realisation to the back of his mind, reluctant to face it. And so eating begins to feel like nothing but a chore, much more so than when he was eating the hellish amounts while pregnant.

Tony notices that it’s worse than they thought at first, too, but he seems to think it has to do with tiredness and tries to fix it by taking care of the babies for the majority of the time. He also hires help to be there when he can’t. 

It’s ends up being a big mistake, and even though Steve is able to tell that quite early on, for some reason he lets it happen. He begins to feel disconnected from the twins, eventually not wanting to even get up to feed them. A stranger is coming to his territory and taking care of his babies, and even though Tony is endlessly kind and caring towards him, Steve feels tossed to the side. He starts to convince himself that after giving birth, his children haven’t really been his anymore and will never be. What’s the point of getting up if they don’t need him? Often, he catches himself hoping that he was still pregnant, the lives growing inside of him undeniably his, and Tony’s, who is crazy about him and those two little lives that get their heartbeat from Steve.

He lets Tony touch him at nights, but even when Tony tries his everything, Steve isn’t able to enjoy it much. His body responds, but his mind is elsewhere, shut away from Tony and his attempts to show love. And then he doesn’t let Tony touch him anymore.

After a few weeks of things getting worse and worse, Bucky comes to see him. Steve’s surprised that Tony allows it, but he guesses that Tony’s getting desperate. He does take the babies with him as he leaves them alone to talk. Steve rolls his eyes at this, nowadays almost permanently pissed at Tony without any real reason.

”You’ve lost weight”, Bucky says as they sit down together.

”Should’ve seen me a couple of months ago”, Steve answers, trying to feign a light tone. Bucky’s eyes don’t let up for a second.

”Don’t get like that with me.”

Steve smiles unhappily, a little huff leaving him. He doesn’t know what to say. To Bucky, or to anyone else. This should be the happiest time of his life. He doesn’t know why it isn’t, why he feels like doing nothing but lying in bed for days, why he cries every night listening to Tony’s soft breathing and feeling alone. Why when his babies’ cries wake him up, he lies still and lets Tony tend to them.

Deep down, he knows that no one’s abandoned him, the least of all Tony, so it must be just him. His own failure to be what he should.

”What’s going on, Steve?” Bucky asks when he doesn’t answer him.

”I don’t know.” Steve’s voice is colourless, his eyes fixed into the distance. ”I don’t know”, he repeats after a while, turning to look at Bucky. He wipes away a tear that rolls to his cheek.

”Just talk to me.” Bucky is calm, his voice reaching to him from a respectful distance, and with a little bit of forcing from himself Steve manages to gather up something to tell his friend. But the thing is, him and Bucky have been apart for a long time, and while the friendship between them was never going away, things like these weren’t something they were faced with when they were younger. Bucky’s been too far from the life Steve’s been living for the past couple of years, and now he feels too far for the thoughts he’s fighting against. Steve tries, but loses his strength to talk in the end.

”What about the Avengers?” Bucky asks after a moment of silence.

”Honestly? I couldn’t care less about the Avengers.” Why would he? Even if he cared, Tony’s status as his alpha is still probably the only thing keeping him from being taken into questioning. He cares about the people he used to work with, but the initiative? It’s gone. Fucking Accords, he thinks, catching himself feeling spiteful towards Tony.

Bucky’s brow furrows, and Steve turns his eyes away from his concerned expression. He asks Bucky about Wakanda to change the subject, and they talk about that and other things not involving Steve and what’s wrong with him for a while until Tony shows up to check on them. He walks into the room exactly like an alpha having a threat under his roof would, unable to mask his reservations.

”Show Bucky the twins, Tony”, Steve says tiredly. He’s fed up with the whole situation, Tony standing there with a frown on his face, Bucky sitting straighter, on his guard.

Tony doesn’t move.

”I –” Bucky starts.

”Show Bucky the twins”, Steve repeats, not bothering to hide his irritation.

Tony runs a hand across his face, sighs, and leaves the room. Steve notices Bucky giving him a look of some sort of worried disapproval but chooses to ignore it, and so they sit in silence until Tony returns, Kieran strapped into a carrier and Emmett in a basket. Even though Steve and Tony have combined their efforts to make the situation as tense and uncomfortable as possible, a smile spreads on Bucky’s face. Steve loves his friend in that moment.

Tony solves his throat.

”This is Kieran, and this sleepy fella here is Emmett”, he introduces the children.

Bucky shoots Steve a small grin, then gives Tony an amicable look.

”Little Starks, I see”, he says, eyeing the dark-haired offspring of his childhood friend.

”Oh, please, this one’s already losing the color”, Tony points to Emmett. Steve notices he’s right – Emmett’s hair is much lighter than the last time he’s paid attention to it. Tony seems to notice what he’s thinking, his face falling from the implications of Steve only realising it just now. ”I think he’s getting my eyes, though”, he rushes to say.

Bucky doesn’t catch the small wordless exchange between them.

”Oh yeah, this one’s yours, Steve”, he jokes, leaning a little closer to Emmett’s basket. It catches Tony off guard, a warning growl escaping him.

”Sorry”, Bucky says, instantly pulling back. Steve eyes Tony viciously.

”Would you stop with that already?” he snarls quietly.

”Steve, I understand, it was my mistake”, Bucky tries, but Steve ignores him. Tony’s eyes are challenging him, and a part of him is satisfied that he’s managed to rile Tony up.

”Are you done?” Steve goes on. He knows that he’s making a scene when everyone else is trying their best, but the taste of venom is too sweet in his mouth. At least he’s being seen.

”Are you?” Tony shoots him back, staring him down, and Steve isn’t prepared for how awful it makes him feel. He feels hurt, even if he’s the one who’s stirring shit up. Losing his will to fight, he resigns to staring at the floor, shame prickling his eyes. Getting talked back like that by his alpha while Bucky sits right next to him is humiliating. He doesn’t, of course, think about how humiliating it must be for Tony to have his omega taunt him in front of an another alpha. 

It’s Bucky’s turn to solve his throat. ”Cute lil’ fellows. Thanks for letting me meet them. I think I’ll go now.” He turns to Steve. ”It was good to see you, Steve. I’ll call you. Take it easy.”

Steve gathers himself rapidly, struggling to look like he’s not in the verge of a breakdown. ”Yeah, you too, Buck. Thanks for coming.”

Tony leaves the room in Bucky’s wake, leaving Steve free to curl up on the sofa and stare into the distance. He’s too tired to scream but he really, really wants to as he reflects on his own behaviour. At this rate, Tony is going to leave him. He’ll take the kids Steve isn’t able to love properly and leave him. Omegas’ rights to the children in case of bond break were much better today, but Steve was practically a criminal without Tony. He might not get any rights to the twins, at least not for a long time.

Unbeknownst to Steve, as he wallows in his self-pity and worst-case scenarios, Bucky is being stopped in the hall by Tony demanding him for anything useful Steve might’ve said to him. After he’s finally let Bucky go, Tony comes back to the room, sitting to the end of the sofa next to Steve’s feet.

”I’m sorry, honey”, he says, conciliatory but not hiding it from his voice that his patience has been worn thin. Steve can’t blame him, but it’s still upsetting. Somehow he doesn’t know what to answer, even though it should be self-evident.

Tony sighs. ”Was it good to see him?”

”I don’t know.” Steve says indifferently. Then he remembers how Bucky had looked at the twins. ”Yeah, it was good. Thank you.”

Tony hums, then gets up. He crouches down in front of Steve’s face, placing a hand on his shoulder. Steve glances at him, then looks away. For a while Tony just studies him, rubbing his shoulder.

”You’re not okay, honey.”

Steve swallows. He doesn’t want to talk about it. ”I know.”

“I want you to go see a therapist, Steve.”

Steve frowns. Therapy. He knows it’s not a taboo anymore, that even a lot of completely functional people benefit from it and that many, in fact, practically consider it a privilege nowadays. But the word still evokes a negative response in him, his lips pressing into a tight line.

”Steve”, Tony sighs. He reaches to touch Steve’s face, but something triggers in Steve and he bats Tony’s hand away. Tony stares at him, looking hurt and Steve squeezes his eyes shut, breathing shallowly like a cornered animal.

”Leave me alone”, he pleads in a strained voice. ”Please.”

”I’m not going anywhere”, Tony says steadily. He puts his hand back on Steve’s shoulder, and Steve shrugs him off again, but this time Tony catches his wrist tightly. It makes Steve see red, he doesn’t want to be touched – doesn’t _deserve_ to be touched – and he twists his wrist free without holding off at all, pushing Tony away from him so that the alpha loses his balance. But Tony gets up right away, calling the suit sans the helmet in the process. In a few seconds he’s overpowered Steve’s weakened body easily, holding his wrist locked.

Steve struggles against it for a while before slumping down defeatedly. He has no chance and no will.

”Let me go”, he whispers powerlessly. ”Please. Let me go.”

”Absolutely fucking not”, Tony answers sternly, and he’s not talking literally. Although, he doesn’t let Steve’s wrist go either. “Listen to me, Steve. We are getting you help.”

Steve is so tired. He wishes Tony would just let him be.

”What if it can’t be helped?” he asks. ”What if I’m just no good? What if you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life by choosing me? Maybe you should’ve never let me come back.”

”Shut up”, Tony tells him. ”Do you love me?”

Steve breathes out, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. ”Of course I love you”, he retorts, frustrated.

”Then trust me. I need you, Steve.”

What can Steve say to that? Of course Tony is right. The knowledge doesn’t make it any easier to accept.

Tony comes out of the suit. Steve doesn’t bother to pull his wrist away anymore, but it’s let go anyway. He’d wanted that, and now that doesn’t feel good either. Yet when Tony drops to his knees in front of him, reaching to frame his face with both hands, Steve’s instinct is to fight against it again. But he stops himself this time, giving in.

”Please, baby”, Tony says, his tone gentler now. ”I need you. And there’s two little guys that need you too.”

Steve can’t think about the twins – it hurts too much. They deserve so much better than him. He looks at Tony, his eyes turning cold.

”Fuck me.”

Tony’s shoulders slump, his gaze falling.

”Steve, you haven’t let me touch you for weeks –”

”Well, I am now, so what’s the problem?”

When Tony meets his eyes again, he looks so sad it makes Steve want to vomit.

”Fuck me”, he demands again before Tony can say something he doesn’t want to hear, his voice hard, almost mocking underneath.

”No”, Tony says strictly. ”Not like th-”

”Yeah, why would you?” Steve pushes Tony’s hands away, getting up from the sofa.

”Steve.”

”Forget it”, Steve snaps as he walks away.

***

After he leaves Tony shouting his name after him, Steve goes to bed and buries himself under the covers. He doesn’t cry, the only thing he feels being anger.

Eventually, he dozes off just to wake up two hours later as Tony comes in. Steve stares at the wall, the anger having not faded a single bit despite the sleep. It’s almost worse now, when he’s been wrenched back into a living nightmare from the peace of sleep.

Tony goes to wash, then sits on his side of the bed.

”Why are you so angry at me? What have I done?” he asks after a moment. His voice is calm, but distant.

The empty feeling nowadays so familiar to him envelops Steve. It’s not really Tony he’s angry at, but himself.

”Tell me. What can I do?”

”I told you, didn’t I?” Steve’s words sound childish even to his own ears.

He feels the bed shift as Tony lies down with a sigh. Steve expects him to turn off the light and simply go to sleep, but the light stays on. He’s relieved – he’s not looking forward to another night of staying up alone in the darkness with his thoughts.

He just needs to get away from his head for a while.

”I could make you, you know.” He’s obviously not going to force Tony into sex, he just wants to get a response out of him. He wants him to fuck him, hit him, at least shout at him. Anything.

”Is that so?” Tony answers, no emotion recognisable in his voice besides a hint of weariness.

”Isn’t that _disgusting_?” Steve says, mostly to himself. Perhaps it’s this body that’s making him so sick of himself, making it impossible for him to function like a good omega should.

”Hypothetically speaking? No. And neither is you growing a beard, by the way, if that’s where you’re going with it.”

Steve is surprised. He hasn’t really even thought about it, but it’s true. Male omegas usually can’t grow much of a beard and a neatly shaven face has been traditionally preferred on them. Because of the serum and his higher than normal testosterone levels for an omega, Steve’s beard grows just like an alpha’s, perhaps even quicker.

He has been so absorbed in his depression that he’s just been letting it grow like the piece of shit he already knows he is. His eyes fling open at the realisation and he jumps out of the bed, storming to the bathroom.

Tony follows him instantly, probably guessing the reaction his words have triggered. Steve registers him coming after him, but begins to just pull the drawers open frantically, looking for his razor. How doesn’t he even know where it is?

His hands are seized by Tony.

”Stop.”

Steve blinks at him. Why on earth would Tony try to stop him from doing _this_? He shrugs him off.

”Stop it, for god’s sake. You’ll just cut your face.”

Like that matters. It would heal in a minute, the abomination he is.

They fight back and forth for a bit more, until Steve catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and freezes. He looks awful. There are bags under his eyes, and indeed, his pale and thinned face is framed by a hideous, unkempt beard.

”You’re fucking dense, you know?” Tony says frustratedly.

”No, I’m fucking disgusting”, Steve says like in trance, not really listening.

”Then shave it tomorrow. Or don’t. I literally just said that I don’t care. Can’t we just go back to bed for now?”

”How would _anyone_ touch me –”

”Oh my fucking GOD”, Tony shouts, slamming both of his fists against the countertop. Steve looks at him impassively.

”There’s no winning with you”, Tony continues, leaning his elbows against the counter and burying his face to his palms. But then he shoots back up quickly.

”Okay. You want me to fuck you? Fine.” He takes Steve’s wrist and yanks it, taking a step towards the bedroom. For one last time, Steve struggles out of his grip, but Tony takes it back into his hold immediately, and marches Steve out of the bathroom.

In the bedroom, he pushes Steve on the bed onto his stomach, not violently but not gently either. Steve’s head is buzzing, the thrill making him feel alive for the first time in a month. This is exactly what he needs – he doesn’t want love or soft touches, he just wants something else than the limbo of numbness and anxiety for a second.

Tony leans down, reaching around his hips for his belt, and Steve assists him, both of their hands working hastily on it. As soon as they get it open, Tony pulls the trousers down along with the boxers underneath and works all of it completely off as fast as possible. Steve breathes thinly, not daring to look behind him. He just lies still, bare and ready for the taking.

But Tony doesn’t touch him. There’s a joyless laugh.

”Christ, what am I doing?”

Steve should’ve known Tony wouldn’t go through with it after all.

”Just fuck me, Tony”, he spits out. He’s laying there with his ass presented and Tony’s just watching him, most likely with a pitying look on his face. Shame is quickly beginning to burn Steve’s cheeks. This was a mistake.

Tony pulls him onto his back by the shoulder. Steve doesn’t fight it, but he hides his face under his arm. He wants to disappear, but this is reality and he’s stuck in it. Tony settles down next to him.

”I can fuck you, honey. Gladly. I can fuck you hard, if that’s what you need. But not like I’m goddamn raping you.”

”Fine”, Steve hears himself say. He’s almost proud; it’s probably the most sensible thing he’s said for weeks. Not very alluring, but he feels Tony’s hand land on his collarbones nevertheless.

He tries to silence his mind, to stay rational, even though his every cell is screaming at him that he shouldn’t be touched like this. Softly.

Then Tony’s hand wraps around his throat, pressing down slightly, and that’s infinitely better. Tony’s fingertips still caress his skin, but Steve can feel the pressure on his airway. He concentrates on that.

When Tony pries Steve’s arm from his face, Steve opens his eyes reluctantly, aware that every broken piece of him can be seen on his face. But if Tony sees them, he doesn’t show it. He leans down and kisses Steve hard, his hand still around his throat. Steve can’t even think about how his stupid beard must be scratching Tony, his mind occupied by the sensation of Tony’s lips pressed demandingly against his.

”So, hard?” Tony asks with a hint of urgency while reaching down to fish his cock out of his pants.

”Yes”, Steve answers, hating that he has to say it aloud.

”Sure?”

”Yes.” If he has to make any more reassurances, he swears he’ll –

Tony flips him roughly back onto his stomach and locks his wrists behind his back. Steve’s breath hitches as Tony kicks his legs apart.

”Now’s the time to get slick, then. I’m not gonna do it for you.”

There’s that thrill again, yet Steve doesn’t know if he can do it. He’s mentally aroused, but he’s not sure if his body is on board with this as easily. He tries to think of something, but all of the thoughts just get him further from the present, disturb him. Soon, he finds himself starting to feel uneasy.

Tony switches the lock on his wrists to one hand and slaps his ass harshly. Steve whines more from surprise than pain.

”Slick for me.”

Tony keeps to his word. He doesn’t touch him besides the wrists he’s holding, just waits silently. Steve is getting desperate. If he could just touch himself –

”Guess you don’t want it then”, Tony says, starting to ease his grip.

”I want it”, Steve grunts hastily. Tony’s grip tightens again.

”Then slick” – slap! – ”for” – slap! – ”me” – slap! Tony’s voice is growly, an alpha’s voice, and it shakes Steve’s core, his body submitting to it. He feels liquid run down his thigh and almost bursts into tears out of relief.

Tony doesn’t praise him, just dips one finger into him, luring more slick out of him. He fucks him with his finger a couple of times, then stops with the finger still inside. Steve starts to push against it, but halts when Tony yanks his wrists.

”Will you listen to me _after_ this?” he asks sharply. 

Steve doesn’t see that coming, but he knows instantly that Tony’s talking about the therapy again. His first reaction is anger. Then he thinks about how much he needs this.

”I’ll try”, he mutters against the sheets.

”Not good enough”, Tony says, pulling his finger halfway out. ”Will you, or won’t you?”

It’s infuriating. Steve knows that Tony knows that if he’ll promise something here, he’ll do it afterwards. They keep their promises, even if none of this is very orthodox.

”Fine, I will. I will. Just –”

Tony pushes his cock into him, burying himself straight to the hilt, and Steve’s mind goes blissfully silent. There’s mild pain, his body protesting the hasty invasion, but it hurts in the best way possible.

It’s all Steve thinks about as Tony starts to thrust into him punishingly. The lips that press briefly against his shoulder blade tell however that it’s anything but a punishment, and a shiver runs through Steve’s spine – he can almost bear the thought of being loved and cared for for a second there.

Tony tugs at his hair, making Steve wince a little, and it’s good, so good. Everything becomes comfortably numb, and there’s nothing else but the overwhelming physical sensation of Tony hammering into him. It’s rough and ugly, but there’s no malevolence in the air. If there was, the bond would give it away.

Tony’s silent besides his ragged breath. There’s not much space for him in Steve’s thoughts as he floats in his escape, but when he feels Tony suddenly slow down a bit, his panting getting throatier as a telltale sign that he’s about to come, Steve snaps out of his head. He listens to Tony finish, feeling a little disappointed that it’s already over.

When he’s come down, Tony reaches down and experimentally tries to pull away a bit. Steve groans in pain.

”What the –”

”Sorry! Sorry,” Tony says guiltily, stopping immediately. He looks vaguely confused when Steve shoots him a look over his shoulder.

”I thought… Fuck, okay, never-mind. Guess we’re here.” He settles his weight down to his arms, tries to smile at Steve.

Steve frowns. ”You thought you wouldn’t knot.”

It happened, to some bonded alphas more than others, but between them it has been rare. There were a number of reasons why it could happen - the alpha being stressed, something wrong with the scents, tiredness. Or it could mean that there was something that unsatisfied the alpha either in the act or in the omega. 

”No”, Tony says, his tone diplomatic. ”I just didn’t feel it at first. Do, now. Please, Steve, let’s not make a number of it.”

Steve swallows, a horrible weight landing on his chest. It’s stupid and selfish, but he feels so vulnerable. The thought of Tony not managing to knot him sweeps the rest of his crumbling self-esteem to the gutter.

Tony studies him, reaching to stroke his hair, and Steve closes his eyes, unable to bear the empathy on Tony’s face.

”You turn everything to hell in your head. It’s not healthy.”

When Steve doesn’t answer, Tony leans down and nuzzles his hair.

”I wish you’d let me make you feel good.” His breath vibrates against Steve’s ear. ”I miss seeing you come.”

It’s uncomfortable to hear. It doesn’t make any sense to Steve, his mind objecting anything positive regarding himself.

”Why?” he asks cynically. Tony bites his earlobe tenderly.

”Because it’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

The words hit Steve like a knife to the throat. Tears push into his eyes, a choked sob leaving him.

”It’s the truth, Steve”, Tony continues, petting his omega’s hair and pressing his lips to his neck.

It’s silent for a long time. Tony caresses Steve’s arm, his breath warm on Steve’s skin, and slowly, Steve begins to feel calmer. The anxious pressure in his throat eases, the tears dry on his face. He realises how good Tony smells, his scent practically sedating. As he opens his mind to the bond, there’s nothing but protective, uncomplicated love coming through. Tony’s weight feels safe on top of him, like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Steve reaches for Tony’s arm and pulls it under his head, taking his hand into his own. He presses his lips to Tony’s wrist and feels him kiss his shoulder in response.

”I’m sorry”, Steve whispers. He really is. Tony’s been nothing but patient and loving towards him through all of this, and Steve has rewarded him by taking his misery out on him for weeks. He’s been so blind, so irresponsible.

”I know you are.” Tony squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

”No, you don’t. I’ve treated you badly.”

”Yes, you have”, Tony says, and though it’s not a nice thing to hear, Steve is grateful that he doesn’t try to play it down. He’s also grateful when Tony wraps his arms around him tightly.

***

_Everything is enwrapped in a soft light. Steve watches the mansion’s yard from the window; it’s a beautiful day. Birds chirp outside and the sun shines from so high that there’s no shadow on this side of the house._

_Tony appears behind him, his arms coming around Steve to rest on his big stomach. Steve smiles, leaning back._

_”I fucking love watching you waddle around”, Tony says, and even though his language is crude, his words feel just as soft as everything else._

_Then Tony is inside him, his movements slow and steady. Steve moans, feeling warm all over. The sun is shining on his skin through the window, heat pooling in his lower stomach. There’s a hot wave inside of Steve as Tony fills him with his seed, and it seems to just go on and on until Steve finds himself sweating._

_”You’re gonna drown my kids”, he jokes._

_” My kids”, Tony answers, his voice suddenly possessive and not warm at all. The birds are not singing anymore. _

_Steve’s hands instantly go to his stomach and find no bump. He panics, turning around but Tony is not there anymore either. The world becomes dark and somewhere, a baby is crying, its distress echoing through the house –_

Steve jolts awake in the darkness. He’s naked, buried under the covers, and his skin is sticking to Tony’s, who’s pressed against him and just as naked as him. Hazily, Steve remembers falling asleep waiting for the knot to come down. It’s certainly gone now, leaving Steve uncomfortably wet between his legs as the fluids have begun to flow out of him in his sleep.

The baby is still crying. Steve works on autopilot as he gets up, picking up and pulling on a pair of boxers on his way towards the noise. It’s not far – the babies are still so small that they sleep in the same room with them.

The twins tend to soothe each other, so they share a crib. The downside is that they also often wake each other up if one starts crying. Kieran is the one crying now – Emmett is still silent, but he’s eyeing his surroundings with a scrunched-up face, kicking the air irritatedly.

Steve stares at the babies, only really waking up now, and he freezes. He knows the next step is picking Kieran up, but he can’t do it. Something’s keeping him from moving, and he’s just stuck staring, panic rising inside of him. His throat feels tight, and it’s hard to breathe. The crying is becoming deafening in his ears as he tries to gasp for more air, the world starting to blur around him. He can feel Kieran’s distress through the bond; his baby needs him and he doesn’t do anything, suddenly doesn’t know how, doesn’t know what to do, he’s gonna drop him if he picks him up –

Then Tony’s there, gripping his shoulder.

”What’s wrong?” he asks, alarmed, checking the twins and then turning back to Steve.

Blood is rushing in Steve’s ears.

”I – I can’t”, he tries, tears burning his eyes. ”Can’t help him, I –”

The situation seems to get through to Tony.

”Here.” Steve’s gently guided to the armchair next to the crib. Tony leans down to see him, his hands steadying Steve by the shoulders. ”Just breathe. Everything’s fine.”

Steve forces a deep breath into his lungs. Tony gets up and picks Kieran into his arms in an accustomed manner, pressing him against his chest and hushing at him. Kieran isn’t having it, though.

”Shh, Kit, in a second.” He crouches down in front of Steve, searching his eyes with his own.

Steve looks at them helplessly. It’s relieving to see Kieran in Tony’s arms, but it’s also a reminder of how big of a failure he himself is. His lower lip quivers as he thinks of how disappointed Tony must be in him.

”Listen, honey, we’re getting you through this. I’ll make a couple of calls in the morning.”

Steve doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore, to make excuses to draw out the inevitable.

”Okay”, he sniffs, then lets out a little, bitter laugh at himself. Jesus, he should be helping Tony with the children, not acting like a child himself. 

”Okay”, Tony echoes him. ”Will you be okay if I go warm some up with this one?”

Steve nods frantically, wanting nothing more than Kieran getting what he needs and calming down.

Tony leaves and Steve keeps concentrating on his breathing, fighting to steady it. He wipes his face with his hand, his shoulders still shaking. He’s come back to his senses enough that he can hear everything happening in the kitchen, the fridge being opened and the microwave starting. Tony is chatting softly to Kieran to calm him, and it calms Steve too, through his bond with Kieran but also just listening to Tony’s voice.

When Tony returns, Steve’s not hyperventilating any more.

”Better?” Tony asks. Steve nods, looking up to see Tony standing in front of him with Kieran, who’s drinking formula from a bottle greedily.

”Here”, Tony says, pushing Kieran gently to Steve’s arms. Steve doesn’t really have the time to think of any other way to react than to just take Kieran and his bottle.

Kieran doesn’t seem to mind the switch, his only concern clearly being the food, yet Steve feels a flash of panic. But as his eyes fall to Kieran, the trembling in his shoulders suddenly stops. Quickly, the warmth and weight of his baby fills his mind with indescribable satisfaction. He hasn’t held either of them for days, and he hates himself for that. But holding Kieran feels so good, so right, his scent comforting and perfect and soon Steve isn’t even thinking about how worthless he’s been. He just listens to the soft sounds Kieran makes as he eats, remembers holding him for the first time. The memory brings the tears back into his eyes.

Tony stands there for a while, watching, then goes to fetch another bottle, offering it to Emmett. Steve, completely taken by Kieran, doesn’t register much of what’s happening around him, not even as Kieran stops eating. He lifts him up against his shoulder, patting his back lightly, and closes his eyes, inhaling Kieran’s scent.

An innocent little burp finally informs Steve that it’s time to let Kieran go back to sleep. He still holds him for a while more before laying him back to the crib gently, and after, he stays leaned down, petting Kieran’s tiny arms until Tony’s voice gets his attention.

”Do you wanna to go to ooma too, Emmy?”

Steve takes Emmett eagerly as Tony offers him, and holding him is just as perfect as with Kieran. Tony goes back to bed himself, sitting down to watch them. Once again, Steve doesn’t really notice him, holding Emmett in his arms being everything he’s concentrated on. He whispers Emmett things, about his hair turning lighter like his, about his perfect little nose being like Tony’s, all sorts of babble that only really makes sense to him as the words pour out. But eventually, Emmett too begins to seem sleepy, and Steve settles him to bed. Kieran’s already fallen asleep, his soft puffs of breath pulling at Steve’s heartstrings. He watches Emmett, holding his tiny hand lightly and continuing to coo at him quietly until Emmett’s eyes close too.

Steve straightens up. Now that the babies are asleep again and everything is calm, the shadow of reality slowly comes back to him. The dopamine surge he’s just got keeps it from landing on him as quite as dark as it was earlier, but it’s there, as a background radiation.

Steve turns and looks at Tony, who has lied down. He thinks about how much Tony has withstood and handled by himself these past weeks, how alone he must have been. It saddens Steve to no end, but he can’t change any of that now. The only thing he can do is to try to be better. For Tony, and for their children.

Tony is still awake, and he smiles at Steve languorously as Steve approaches the bed. Steve lies down next to him and surprises him by kissing him eagerly. Tony hums, wrapping his hand around Steve’s neck, pulling him down with him.

”Love me”, Steve whispers. Tony’s brow knits for a second before his expression softens in understanding. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but nothing comes out. Steve’s hand travels down his body.

”I’m so sorry for everything”, Steve continues, shivering for some reason. He just needs Tony right now, needs Tony to keep the darkness at bay. ”I love you so much.”

Tony’s face is a mix of emotions, but the main one Steve picks up is relief. His eyes shine, and Steve kisses him again, tender like his heart is bleeding.

”Make love to me”, he says, pressing needy kisses on Tony’s neck.

”Steve,” Tony sighs, burying his fingers into Steve’s hair. His voice sounds so hopeful and Steve aches hearing it.

”Shh”, Steve hushes him, slipping his hand past Tony’s underwear.

”Just love me.”

Because there’s nothing else in the universe that matters in the end.


	2. Truth

The therapist calls it postpartum depression. Of course, Steve has heard of it – he’d read all of the books and magazines and websites on pregnancy, giving birth and caretaking just like any other soon-to-be-parent. But he’s never seen himself as a person prone to depression, and so he hadn’t paid that much attention to the articles that addressed this particular subject. In other words, he’d been stupid, thinking that it couldn’t happen to him. Hadn’t he been too arrogant not to skim past those articles, he would have remembered them. And then, perhaps, he would have understood what was wrong with himself right away, and things would’ve never gotten as far as they now have.

The therapist also tells him that beating himself up about it isn’t productive. Steve understands that, sure, one didn’t have to have a psychology degree to get that, but it’s easier said than done.

The first and most obvious reason for Steve’s depression, according to the therapist, is his testosterone levels. The pregnancy had suppressed them to regular levels, since higher levels could have been dangerous for the foetuses. Steve hasn’t been made only into a perfect soldier but a perfect human – in his sex it meant that a strictly biologically perfect specimen gave birth perfectly and that’s what Steve had done. After the pregnancy, his body had started to recover quickly, his testosterone levels rising rapidly to build his former physique back. The change had affected Steve’s mood dramatically, way too sudden for his emotional stability to keep up.

But it’s just the tip of the iceberg. As they dive deeper into Steve’s thoughts and fears, to his past, it soon becomes apparent that the childbirth, the chaos his hormonal system has been, has merely been a trigger that has invited unresolved issues from the past to the surface.

There’s war, there’s going into the ice and waking up 70 years later. There’s some baggage involving his parents and his childhood in general, and even more baggage concerning the way his body was changed. But on every session, Steve finds himself eventually coming back to Tony and what happened between them after the Accords.

One Friday, Steve is telling the therapist about the time when they were repairing their relationship, about how afraid he’d been that Tony could never forgive him, when the therapist pauses him. There’s no sign of the avalanche that’ll follow.

”How did you feel about having kids?”

Steve doesn’t think much of the question. It’s a perfectly expectable one, and he answers it easily. 

”Well, at first I was opposed to it. It’s not that I didn’t want them, but I thought that… well, you know who we are. Our lives aren’t exactly peaceful. Anything could happen.”

The therapist shifts in her chair. Steve notices that something’s probably caught her attention, but he reminds himself that she’s only here to help.

”That’s understandable. So, what made you change your mind?”

”Tony”, Steve tells her. ”He convinced me that we deserved it.”

”And that was enough for you?”

Steve’s brow furrows. Of course it was enough.

”He got me to believe that everything would be all right.”

The therapist leans back, writing something down. Steve’s gotten used to her doing that, and doesn’t usually mind it, but now he feels like he’s said something wrong.

”What did you feel when you first found out that you were actually with child?”

Even without a perfect memory, Steve knows he’d remember it clearly. By that time, he’d grown nearly obsessed about the idea of having a child. He’d been so afraid that they’d failed to conceive.

”Relief”, Steve admits. ”A year is a long time to wait for another chance. A lot of things can change in a year.”

Steve realises it the moment he says it; this is where he gets exposed.

”Like what?”

He could lie. He could say that he was afraid that either of them would get seriously injured in battle, die even. But Steve has lied before, and that, at its core, is the reason why he’s sitting here now.

”Like Tony leaving me.”

He stares at the floor. Rationally, he knows that the therapist won’t judge him, but he’s still too ashamed to meet her eyes.

”Go on.”

Steve swallows. He has never let himself think about it, not really.

”Perhaps –” he tries, then pauses to gather his spine. ”Perhaps I thought it’d be easier to keep Tony’s affection if there was a child involved.”

There. He’s said it. He loathes himself but he’s said it. 

”Steve. One thing doesn’t always mean the other”, the therapist tells him gently. Steve looks at her with a frown on his face.

”What do you mean?”

”I mean that it’s entirely possible to genuinely want a child and also hope that having them will fix your relationship. It’s more common than you might think. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you didn’t want your children, and it most definitely doesn’t mean that you don’t love them.”

Steve lets her words sink in. ”Thank you”, he says, his eyes getting wet. ”Thank you.” His voice is hardly audible.

”Why are you thanking me?” the therapist asks compassionately, discreetly handing him a package of tissues. 

”For believing that I love them.”

”Of course you do”, she says calmly. ”You’re their oma.”

It sounds so simple coming from her. 

”I know”, Steve struggles. ”I know, it’s just – I doubt myself, and it scares me.”

The therapist gives him some time to collect himself, before she continues. She asks how Steve feels about coming to the next session together with Tony. Steve is surprised since there’s been no talk of doing that, but he does realise that it makes sense.

Yet, he’d be lying if he said that he looks forward to it.

***

When Tony picks him up from the therapy, Steve is silent. Tony asks him how it went, as he always does, and Steve answers ”okay”, as he always does.

But later that night, when he’s got the twins asleep, Steve heads down to the workshop to find Tony. Now that Steve’s doing his part with Kieran and Emmett again, Tony’s been able to start getting back to work.

Steve finds Tony stuck on his computer, writing code so fast that even with his enhanced senses Steve is having trouble keeping up. He’s not here to read code, though.

”They fall asleep?” Tony asks, not taking his eyes off the screen.

”Yeah, eventually. Emmy was stubborn as always, of course”, Steve chats back, thankful for the mild conversation start. He leans his hip against Tony’s desk.

”I know someone else like that”, Tony teases.

Steve would normally offer him some banter back, but he’s got too much on his mind to come up with anything.

”Tony”, he starts.

”Mmh?”

”The therapist wants you to come with me to the next session.”

This gets Tony’s attention. He turns in his chair, and Steve recognises the tenseness in his posture; Tony doesn’t like this.

”Okay. Why?” he asks, feigning indifference, but the air around his question is really anything but that. Steve always finds it hard to speak to Tony when he gets reserved like that.

”It’s because of something we talked about today. Something that I… confessed.”

”Who did you kill?”

Steve doesn’t laugh.

”That’s not funny. You know very well that I’ve actually killed countless of people.”

Tony’s eyebrows rise at his seriousness. ”All right. What is it, then?”

”I’m not sure it’s a good idea for us to go into that now, honey.” He hopes the pet name will help Tony leave it at that, to no avail.

”Come on, Steve, you can’t leave me hanging like that.”

”We’ll talk about it next Friday”, Steve says uncomfortably.

Tony crosses his arms.

”Are you serious? How’s that fair? I haven’t got a damn clue what’s going on, and you expect me to wait a week, like to catch the next episode? Which, by the way, I would never do either at this day and age.”

Steve rubs his forehead. Tony has a point – it isn’t fair.

”You haven’t needed a therapist to talk to me before”, Tony continues when Steve doesn’t answer.

”But that’s where you are wrong”, Steve counters, walking away from the desk. Tony’s eyes follow him. ”You don’t even realise how much I’ve concealed from you – we should’ve gone to therapy ages ago, before the twins –”

”We? So this is about me? And what do you mean ’concealed’?”

”Of course it’s about you”, Steve pours out frustratedly. ”Everything went to hell between us, Tony, and I… I don’t think I ever recovered from it, not really.”

Tony shuts his mouth. He stares at Steve, first confused, then defensive. Steve stares him right back, expression pained with the weight of the truth. Finally, Tony tears his eyes away, looking at his hands instead.

”So, is this my fault now?” he asks, not in an entirely receptive manner, but serious.

”Of course not. I’m not blaming anyone but myself, Tony. I’m just saying that what happened, how I lost your trust and almost your love, it did a number on me.”

Tony’s expression cools down. Steve shakes his head – Tony’s heard nothing yet. He walks to the sofa that’s placed against one of the workshop’s walls and sits down, burying his face into his hands. After a moment of silence, Tony follows him.

”What is it?” he asks, sitting next to him.

Steve can tell that he’s already afraid of the answer even if he’s trying not to let that into his voice. But even without the bond revealing to him that Tony is nervous, this close Steve can easily hear his elevated heart rate.

”Just tell me.”

Steve’s hands tremble under the weight of his head. Will Tony despise him?

”After what happened, I was so afraid of losing you”, he starts, talking with his head still between his hands. He needs to make Tony understand, because the alternative is unthinkable. ”I would’ve done anything. Anything, Tony.”

His heart is racing. That fear hasn’t gone anywhere.

”And when you… when you started talking about kids, I saw how much you wanted them. You were like a different person when you talked about it, and I wanted nothing more than to keep you happy. So, I – I decided to give you a child.”

Steve can’t bear to look at Tony, not even move. Tony is alarmingly still beside him.

”What does that mean?” he asks. His voice is cautious like he’s walking on thin ice, but underneath that Steve can hear his alpha demanding him for an explanation. Rightfully so.

He forces himself to continue. ”I told myself that I wanted it, that that was all that played into it. It’s hardly difficult during heat. But I don’t know. I was so desperate to keep you that maybe I also just… maybe I just didn’t want to lose you.”

He inhales deeply, then breathes out unevenly. Tony gets up, beginning to pace around silently and Steve wants to cry. But he feels like he doesn’t have the right.

When the silence seems to just go on and on, Steve finally lifts his face to look at Tony. It takes a long time before Tony answers his stare, but when he does, Steve can feel the colour vanishing from his face. Tony’s eyes are hard to read, but they hold him in place. The bond feels almost like it had felt on that day on the airport in Germany. Cold and unreceptive.

”Tell me, omega”, Tony begins. There are times when getting called ”omega” by one’s alpha is a good thing. This is not one of those times. ”Why is it that you talk about you losing my trust, yet it seems that it’s you who still doesn’t trust me?”

Steve blinks, the only thing he can think of being that his worst fear is coming true in front of his eyes. This is the last draw, and he won’t even be able to defend himself. He would, he does have things to say, but they are not coming out.

”A year ago, I told you that there’s no other way to live for me than this, a life with you”, Tony continues, his voice turning harder. ”I said that we’d fix us or die trying. And since that I’ve been trying, every fucking day I’ve been trying, and you still didn’t trust me enough to talk to me. I’m here, Steve, I’ve been here all the time, taking care of the children you apparently didn’t even want, trying to understand why I’m doing it alone while you take your shit out on me, every day just patiently giving my everything to keep this show on the road. What do I have to do to get you trying, Steve? What do I fucking have to do?!”

Steve wants to curl up into a ball and disappear. The last time Tony raised his voice like this at him was when he’d heard that stupid song in the radio and consequently made Tony lose his mind enough to break down a door. The memory makes Steve frozen to the core with the fear of losing Tony like he did before.

Tony stares at him for a moment, then starts towards the door. ”FRIDAY, close the shop.”

”Please”, Steve begs. ”Please don’t go, Tony.”

There’s no reaction, but at the door, Tony stops. Steve stills hopefully.

”I need a couple of days to myself”, he says, and with that, he’s gone.

***

Too shocked to even cry, Steve sits on the sofa, unmoving, until FRIDAY informs him that Emmett has woken up. That rattles him back to reality, and he’s so grateful for the twins right now; without them, Steve wouldn’t have seen himself moving from the sofa until Tony comes back, be it days or weeks.

Taking care of Kieran and Emmett comforts him, as ironic as it may sound considering how things were just a couple of weeks ago. But Steve is starting to see that the problem was never them.

He has no idea where Tony’s gone. He could always ask FRIDAY, and she would tell him unless Tony has specifically forbidden it. The mansion and the premises are so huge that Tony could very well still be around somewhere, but Steve doubts that, considering that the bond feels almost completely silent. He doesn’t ask FRIDAY, either, because it doesn’t really matter in the end. It’s not like he’s planning to go after him. Tony had made his wish not to see him clear.

Before going to bed, he sends Tony a message. ”I love you. Always.” is all that it says.

There’s no reply. Steve tries not to think about it, but it’s hard when he lies alone in the darkness, chasing sleep. Tony’s disappointed expression, his angry voice, keeps coming back to him, and a horrible guilt gnaws Steve’s insides.

_What do I have to do to get you trying, Steve?_

Hasn’t he tried? Hasn’t he given them everything he could have? It certainly hasn’t seemed like it. Before his therapy started, Steve would’ve readily agreed that no, he hasn’t given his all, and not just that; he’d have simply blamed himself for being a bad oma, a worthless omega, a useless companion.

But things weren’t that black and white. He has tried, but he has gone all wrong about it. He has tried to force himself through everything that’s been going on inside of his head alone, when in fact, he’s never been alone.

Tony’s also right. Steve hasn’t trusted him. He hasn’t talked about his lingering fears, of the nightmares he sees where Tony leaves him, of the slight panic he still gets every time Tony takes a little bit longer to answer the phone. Somewhere deep inside, he’s been living in a constant fear that he could lose everything in a heartbeat, and he hasn’t said anything.

Steve’s relieved when Emmett’s crying pulls him out of his thoughts. Emmett’s begun to teeth, and Steve spends over an hour walking around the house with a cranky baby in his arms. His heart goes out to the little one and his discomfort, but otherwise he doesn’t mind, much preferring to have a reason to be up instead of staring at the ceiling in bed.

It’s nearly morning when he finally falls asleep. His sleep lasts for whole two hours until FRIDAY wakes him up and informs that the babysitter has arrived. She hasn’t been needed much at all lately, but apparently Tony has called her to be here to help now that he himself is wherever he is.

Steve dresses and hurries to the door with a hungry Kieran in his arms. The babysitter, Joanna or Jo as she is usually called, grins widely as she wishes him good morning, and Steve realises that he’s got a pacifier in his mouth.

”I guess you can’t pass caries”, she figures curiously. She’s holding some kind of a package in her hand.

Steve snags the thing out of his mouth.

”Morning. Uh, yeah, very unlikely”, he confirms, smiling a tad awkwardly. ”Listen, I’m very sorry, but there’s been a misunderstanding. I don’t actually need you here today.”

”Oh?” the ever-calm beta questions, her smile kind as always.

Steve looks at her. She’s got all her stuff, and it’s seven am. He knows she doesn’t live exactly in the neighbourhood and it looks like she hasn’t driven her own car.

”Yeah. I’m so sorry, this is embarrassing. You’re welcome to come in and have a cup if you like. I’ll arrange a ride home – or wherever you like – for you”, he offers, then adds: ”And you’re obviously paid for the whole day anyway.”

She shrugs. ”Works for me.”

Steve lets her in. Mid-hallway she turns, showing the package in her hand. ”Oh, right! This was at the door.”

She sets the package on top of a drawers table in the hallway and Steve thanks her, leaving the package be for now.

He quickly forgets the whole thing as the morning routine gets going; between making and drinking coffee Steve feeds, changes and dresses the twins. The babysitter insists on helping by making breakfast, and Steve doesn’t protest – it’s probably awkward for her to be at her workplace and just sit watching.

Once the worst hassle has settled, Steve sits down to chat and eat with her. He’s grown to like her, even if he felt miserable the first time she came to help take care of the twins, perhaps even a little jealous – at some point, she probably interacted more with Tony during the day than he did, which was completely Steve’s own doing. But beta’s tend to be preferred choices for babysitting for a reason, their steady, unthreatening presence creating harmony around them easily.

Eventually, Happy arrives and she leaves with him, bidding Steve a nice day. The car has already driven off when Steve remembers that he is, in fact, annoyed as hell. He takes his phone and tries calling Tony but gets only the voicemail. So, he sits down next to the twins who are lying on a play mat and writes Tony a message. It’s rather outspoken at first, but in the end Steve wipes most of it away so that it just reads: ”You could’ve asked whether I needed Joanna here or not. Please don’t put me in a situation like that again. I can manage Kit and Emmy.”

Steve huffs, pressing ”send” only leaving a bitter taste into his mouth. Then he hears Kieran coo, and looks at him, rising his eyebrows playfully.

”Mm-mh”, he hums airily to the wide-eyed baby. ”Your daddy’s been a bit of an asshat.”

Kieran coos again, a smile spreading on his face.

”What’s that? You think that I’ve been an asshat too?” Steve jokes. ”What do you think, Emmy?”

Emmett just sighs, scrunching his face against his small hands sleepily.

”Oh, so you’re just tired of the drama.”

Kieran makes a laughing sound, recognising Steve’s clowning tone. It makes Steve let out a laugh too.

”Are you laughing at me?” he grins, tickling Kieran’s side. Kieran laughs again, and Steve attacks him with tummy raspberries.

He spends the day with the twins. When they sleep, he works out a little, and later, he watches a movie while Kieran and Emmett sleep next to him. It’s not a bad day, even though Tony’s not there. Actually, he almost forgets it, that Tony’s angry enough with him to have gone away. It doesn’t even hit him when he goes to bed, but just as he’s drifting off to sleep, his phone beeps on the nightstand, informing him of a new text message.

Steve’s instantly back awake. He doesn’t know if’s he’s more afraid that it isn’t Tony or that it is.

It is. Steve’s heart beats erratically as he opens the message, but it ends up being quite underwhelming. It just says: “Sorry. Good night.”

A smile still flickers onto Steve’s features. It’s something, much better than complete radio silence. He lies back down, ready to get some rest and feeling better than he has for twenty-four hours, when he remembers the package.

Getting right back up, he pads silently past the twins and to the hallway, finding the package where the babysitter left it in the morning. It’s quite big, but thin, and not very heavy. Carefully, Steve rips the brown packing material open and pulls out a picture. There are colourful faces on a white background, and on the top left corner there’s a text: “Love”. The bottom left corner has the text “forever changes”. It takes a couple of seconds for Steve to realise that it’s a vinyl record – he didn’t remember right away that the album, which he very well recognises now, had a cover like this.

There’s a small note taped to the backside. It says: “You don’t know how much I love you”, a piece of lyrics from one of the songs. It’s in Tony’s handwriting.

The gift shakes in Steve’s hand as he tries to hold back tears. Thank god he didn’t send the angrier version of his message to Tony earlier.


	3. All for me

Tony’s “couple of days” turn into a few. Steve tries to stay calm, but he’d be lying if he said that his anxiety isn’t through the roof at times. Being with the twins does help tremendously – it’s good for him to see that he is perfectly capable of taking care of them. But it doesn’t manage to quiet the voice in his head that keeps trying to convince him that Tony is never coming back, no matter how absurd it is.

On Tuesday evening Steve comes to a breaking point. Feeling like he needs to talk or he’ll lose it he calls his therapist. It’s not an easy thing to press her name on the contact list, but he tells himself that he has to try his everything to manage, for Kieran and Emmett. For himself, too.

She succeeds to calm him down enough that he somehow gets through ‘til it’s Friday again. Tony’s been away for a whole week when Steve gets out of the car in front of the therapist’s building, waving his hand at Happy, and goes in. He treks the stairs to the fourth floor and opens the door to find Tony sitting in the waiting room.

The first thing Steve feels is relief. The second, however, is anger. He wants to go and slap Tony. Instead, he puts on a weak smile and sits beside him.

“You’re here”, he says, trying to hide his sourness. He can understand wanting some time apart after everything that’s happened, but after the message on Saturday night, Tony hasn’t answered a single one of Steve’s texts, never-mind the few times he has tried to call. Even the gift stopped feeling good after Steve realised Tony wasn’t going to answer his thank you -message, or the picture of Emmett and Kieran sleeping nose to nose he sent, or any one of his attempts at contact. By Monday he’d gotten the message Tony didn’t have to send, and stopped trying.

”I’m here”, Tony states.

”You could’ve told me you were coming.”

”I never said I wasn’t.”

Steve clicks his tongue.

”Really, Tony? That’s your answer?”

Tony opens his mouth, but is stopped by the sound of a door opening. The therapist stands at the door, smiling like she hasn’t caught them at the promise of an argument.

”Please, come in.”

Great, Steve thinks. They’re not even in the room yet, and they’re already fighting. This is going to be just great.

Steve walks in to the room, greeting the therapist on his way, and takes his usual place on the sofa. He deems his alpha capable of introducing himself.

Not much time is wasted on the pleasantries. Tony sits beside him, leaving enough room between them to fit at least one person or alternatively, the hostile air between them. The therapist sits in her chair, crossing her legs and eyeing them for a second.

”So, Tony – may I call you Tony?” she starts.

”Be my quest”, Tony tells her. Steve wants to imitate his voice mockingly, that’s how high the level of his annoyance is. ”Nice couch, by the way. Fendi?”

Steve grits his teeth. He knows Tony’s nervous, but if he doesn’t drop the act Steve will throw either him, himself, or both of them out of the window. Steve doesn’t have a lot of interest in home décor, but even he knows that the expensive piece of sitting furniture they have their asses sat on is not a fucking ”couch”. As does Tony, of course.

”Yes. Thank you.” The therapist smiles, glancing at Steve quickly before turning his eyes back to Tony. ”I usually start by asking Steve how his week has been, but I’d like to start now by asking the question from you. How has your week been, Tony?”

Steve huffs, turning towards Tony. He can’t stop himself. ”Yeah, how _has_ your week been, Tony?”

Tony looks at him and the therapist consecutively. 

”So is this how this works? Two against one?” he says scornfully. ”Sounds familiar, doesn’t it, Steve?”

”All right”, the therapist says before Steve can even begin to get over the shock from Tony’s words. He can’t believe Tony’s actually gone there, after what he just told him this Friday about his feelings on the subject. Only sheer power of will keeps Steve from storming off the session.

”I’m going to stop you here”, she continues. ”It’s okay if you’re angry, but let’s try keeping the taunting away.”

Tony sighs through his nose. ”Yeah, I’m sorry, that went too far.” It’s more the thing to say than an entirely sincere apology.

Steve can’t get more than a tight hum out of his throat. He’s furious.

”Okay”, the therapist says. ”I’m still interested in hearing about your week, Tony.” She looks at Steve. ”Steve, even if it feels difficult, try to let Tony speak.”

Steve nods tensely. Well, he _is_ interested in hearing this, too.

Tony solves his throat. ”I’ve been away from home since last Friday”, he tells frankly.

”Did something happen on Friday?”

The therapist knows exactly what happened on Friday, because Steve told her on the phone. Steve realises that she’s not probably allowed to reveal it to Tony that he’s contacted her.

He considers bringing it up, but on second thought, he wants to hear how Tony will explain what happened.

”Steve told me about what you had discussed here. Guess you could say that I didn’t take it very well. We had an argument and I felt like I needed some time alone. Sort of a, uh, ”clear-my-head” type of solution.”

Steve bites his tongue to not open his mouth. It wasn’t an argument when one participant screamed his mind to the other’s face and then vanished for a week.

”Is there anything that you’d like to add, Steve?”

He’s surprised. Yes, there is. Like ”fuck you, Tony”.

”Just the fact that you know. She knows, Tony. About you leaving. I ended up calling her after a few days, because your ’solution’ wasn’t working so well for me.”

Tony’s eyes burn the side of Steve’s head. The therapist quickly explains why she didn’t mention it herself.

Steve hears Tony swallow, a surge of empathy hitting him through the bond. Tony’s feeling guilty, he realises.

”Did – nothing happened, right?”

Steve wonders if Tony is imagining him with slashed wrists, crying hysterically on the phone.

”No”, he says. He hasn’t cooled down enough to answer anything more reassuring. Besides, even if it hadn’t been anything quite as dramatic as that, it definitely hadn’t been a good place. Steve knows that FRIDAY would have alerted Tony immediately if something happened to him or the twins, but it still makes him angry.

”Okay, good”, the therapist cuts in. ”This is easier when we’re all on the same page. So, Tony, what do you think made you react like that to what Steve told you?”

Tony’s anger seems to have worn off completely now. Instead, he sounds sad when he starts talking about feeling like Steve hasn’t trusted him. It eventually starts to shift Steve’s mood too.

The rest of the hour is spent concentrated on the issue of trust, and by the end of the session, Steve feels exhausted. They agree to both be there next week too.

The elevator ride down is silent. Steve just wants to be back home with the twins as soon as possible. Tony seems to be in his thoughts, but then he suddenly digs his phone out and pokes Steve with his elbow, showing him the phone. His lock screen picture is the image of the twins Steve sent to him.

Steve smiles as much as he feels he’s able at the moment. They walk outside.

”My car’s around the corner”, Tony says. ”Going my way?”

”If ’your way’ is finally home, then yes.”

In the car, Steve stares out from the window tiredly, half-listening to the news coming from the radio. It’s raining so hard that he can barely see outside, so his eyes follow the raindrops running down the window instead.

”I take it Jo is with the twins?” Tony asks.

”No. I sent them to college. Thought it was high time”, Steve answers dryly, not taking his eyes off the window.

Tony snorts. Steve has realised that Tony isn’t driving towards home a while ago. He doesn’t really care – he had wanted to go home, but right now he feels like he could sit in the car for hours, not talking, just driving around. It’s just good to be near Tony, even if he is still a little pissed.

”It’s not as if I _didn’t_ want them”, Steve says to the silence suddenly. He just wants to make it clear, because Tony accusing him of that still hurts him. It simply wasn’t true.

”I just… I feel like I didn’t make the decision based on that, on only the things that I should’ve. I let my insecurity make the final call instead, and I doubt I’ll ever be able to tell you whether I would’ve said yes or no if not for that. You know I was – am – afraid of them being left alone to this world. The thought of not being there to protect them still crushes me if I think about it”, he admits, the calmness of his voice breaking a little at the end. ”But I did _want_ to have a child with you, Tony. Very, very much so.”

Tony sighs heavily. ”I know”, he says. ”I know you did. I’m sorry for saying you didn’t.”

The Audi finally stops at a remote, empty parking lot. You would expect one of them to comment the fact somehow, but neither of them does. They just sit there, the rain drumming the roof of the car. Despite everything, it’s a comfortable silence and it gently waits until they are ready.

Several minutes pass before Steve breaks it. 

”Where were you?”

His voice is neutral. Tony’s fingers tap the wheel absently.

”Well, the first night I spent driving around. Ate the worst sushi of my life. Bought an overpriced record from a fella that had a tattoo on his forehead.”

”Must’ve really wanted that record.”

”I did. I slept in the car, then went to see Rhodey. Spent a couple of nights at his place drinking beer. Then I drove back here, planning to come home. But for some reason I couldn’t, so I spent the rest of the week in a hotel. Didn’t do much, tried to work. Missed you and the twins.”

”What reason?”

It takes a while before Tony answers. ”I shouldn’t have left at all. Didn’t really help you build your trust in me, this stunt, did it?” he explains, chagrined.

Steve glances at Tony, who gives him a sad smile, before averting his eyes to the window again.

”Tony, I trust you with my life. I trust you with our children’s lives. I just have this stubborn fear of you leaving me. I have nightmares about it, all the time. I even get jealous, as ashamed as I am to admit it. And I catch myself testing you – sometimes it’s like I’m challenging you to do it and I can’t seem to stop myself. I keep telling myself that I cannot hold onto anything as good as you forever. It’s a fault in me, not you.”

When there’s no answer, Steve turns to look at Tony and realises that there are tears in his eyes. Are they for him? He takes Tony’s hand silently, sorry that he has made him feel that bad.

”Steve”, Tony says, squeezing his hand back. ”Promise me something.”

He sniffs his tears away, meeting Steve’s concerned eyes.

”Promise me that every time you have those nightmares, every time you feel that fear, you’ll tell me. Promise me, and I’ll promise that whatever you do or say, wherever we end up, be it centuries or lightyears apart, I will _never_ leave you. I will come to you even if I have to travel across galaxies, through goddamn time if I need to. Just promise me you stop keeping things to yourself. I don’t want to have the strong half of you with the other half broken and hidden inside. I want all of you, the whole mess.”

Steve catches his breath. He tries not to let out an ugly sob.

”That’s stupid”, he says in a weak voice, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.

”No, it’s not. I’m a genius, sweetheart.”

”Shut up”, Steve croaks. Tony pulls him closer and kisses his forehead, then presses his own forehead against it.

”Promise me, Steve.”

Steve takes a steadying breath and sighs. He’s so tired of crying.

”I promise.”

”Thank you.”

They spend a moment just breathing the same air, their eyes falling closed. Tony draws circles on the backside of Steve’s hand, his other hand wrapped around his omega’s neck. Slowly, his thumb starts to move lower until it’s finally ghosting over Steve’s collarbone.

Tony’s other hand lets go of Steve’s, and there’s a click as he frees himself from his seatbelt. Steve’s breath shivers as Tony kisses the line of his jaw softly, then his neck. His hand tangles into Tony’s hair, messes it up as Tony begins to make him dizzy with the sweet, teasing kisses he plants.

Then, without warning, Tony wraps his hands around the collars of Steve’s dress shirt and yanks roughly, ripping the fabric slightly to expose more skin. Steve lets out an amused noise that quickly turns into a moan as Tony sinks his teeth into his neck, holding him in place by his shoulders. The bite is perfect, not too soft but sweet enough to make Steve slick instantly.

Tony growls quietly around his bite, and Steve is hard-coded to show submission. He goes limp like a puppet cut from its strings, a surge of satisfaction filling his mind. Tony brings a hand up to pet his hair as he then lets go, licking the mark he’s left before kissing it. The mark won’t stay for long, a perk of the serum Steve has had to learn to live with, but the purpose, the mixing of their scents, is fulfilled nevertheless.

”Sweetheart”, Steve says, voice weak but urgent, his hands now busy again with Tony’s hair. Tony lifts his face just to be pulled into a kiss by Steve. His hands start working on the buttons – what’s left of them – on Steve’s shirt, but Steve swats them away, yearning control for himself. He slips his tongue into Tony’s mouth as his hands hurry Tony’s jacket off, then move to his belt.

”I missed you”, he mutters against Tony’s lips. ”Bastard.” He doesn’t mean it at all. Well, maybe just a little, just enough that his tone makes Tony let out an unsteady hum.

The angle is anything but perfect, but Steve manages to get Tony’s fly open and snake his hand into his pants. He bites Tony’s chin lightly as he closes his fingers around his cock, pumping it determinedly. Tony sighs, and Steve pushes him backwards with his free hand until Tony’s back hits the seat. Steve wastes no time; he pulls Tony’s pants lower, out of the way, and leans down to suck Tony’s cock into his mouth.

Pleased with the moan that escapes Tony, Steve starts working towards hearing more, moving his mouth up and down on Tony’s cock dedicatedly. He helps with his hands, stroking the base with one and with the other, he caresses Tony’s inner thigh, his touches firm but the way his fingertips brush Tony’s balls teasing and entirely intentional.

Tony tries to touch his head, but is thrown off track when Steve reaches for the lever under the seat. The seat goes down with a surprised noise from Tony that Steve ignores, putting his focus back on the task at hand. His tongue tantalises Tony’s frenulum, then his lips close to kiss the head wetly before he sinks the whole thing back into his mouth. 

”Oh, baby”, Tony murmurs appreciatively, and Steve rewards him by yanking his legs more apart, then kissing his way lower. His hand keeps taking care of Tony’s cock as he sucks Tony’s balls into his mouth, playing with the sensitive skin. 

”Ahhh, fuck, that’s so good”, Tony curses. ”Ride me, honey, please.”

It’s exactly what Steve’s planning to do anyway, but Tony’s plea still sends a wave of pleasure down his spine.

He continues caressing Tony’s balls with his mouth as he shrugs his jacket off. His ruined shirt follows, his lips traveling to plant a few kisses to Tony’s thighs. To get his jeans off he has to finally pull away because of the lack of room. It’s quite tricky, but eventually he manages it, grateful that pregnancy and neglecting exercise hasn’t ruined his flexibility. He notices that the car windows have been darkened, and wonders for a brief second whether Tony’s responsible for it or it FRIDAY has done it independently before he decides that he doesn’t care.

Tony watches him with an expectant expression, his shirt still on and his hard cock looking desperate. Steve gives him a sly smile as he climbs on top of him, bringing his lips to Tony’s for a hungry kiss. He doesn’t let it go on for long, even though Tony tries to keep pushing his tongue into his mouth – he nudges Tony’s face to the side, attacking his earlobe gently with his teeth, and feels Tony’s cock jump against his own. He hums out a laugh, loosening Tony’s tie and starting to button his shirt open as his mouth torments his ear.

When he’s done, he locks Tony’s wrists above his head and begins a trail of kisses down his neck, occasionally nipping the skin lightly, and grinds his slick ass down to meet Tony’s cock. Tony’s hips jerk upwards uselessly.

”Pleas –”, he whines, his voice muffling as Steve kisses him again. It’s a calmer kiss than the last one, slow and focused, meant to make Tony melt. Steve deems it a success when Tony shudders, and he catches Tony’s lower lip between his teeth, sucking and biting it softly.

He lets go of Tony’s wrists to coax his shirt properly off. He wrings it, turning it into a makeshift tie and tightens it around Tony’s wrists so firmly that Tony gasps a little. His eyes are wide, his mouth hanging open as he tries to bring his lips back to Steve’s who pulls away, sitting up as much as possible without hitting his head to the roof. The car’s definitely quite a cramped space for a spontaneous fuck, but something about it makes Steve wild. It’s an intoxicating break from their day to day life, a little rebellion against it. Instead of being on their way home like they should, they’re about to fuck at a parking lot and Steve feels no sting in his conscience. Tony certainly doesn’t seem to mind. 

Steve reaches behind to take Tony’s cock into his hand, earning a little mewl from his alpha. He props the eager member up, sliding his leaking hole teasingly against it.

Tony sighs in wanton frustration, trying to fuck his cock into Steve’s hand but Steve doesn’t give him any friction. He wets a finger in his mouth and rubs it over Tony’s nipple, pinching it softly as he tempts Tony with his ass again. Tony whimpers and Steve can feel his cock weeping as the tip pokes his lower back.

”Please”, Tony begs again. Loving the needy look on his face, Steve hums adoringly and leans down to plant kisses on Tony’s shoulder and collarbones. He admires the line of Tony’s jawbone, nudging his jaw up gently with the tip of his nose. It’s dim in the car, but Steve can see the slight grey mixed in his beard, his heart fluttering.

”My beautiful alpha”, he mutters, placing a kiss to the notch between Tony’s collarbones, then to his lips. As they open their eyes after, Steve gets caught looking at Tony’s eyes, especially his lower eyelashes that create a gorgeous dark frame under his eyes.

”Stop it”, Tony whispers, the moment too delicate to talk louder.

Steve doesn’t answer. He reaches down, taking Tony’s cock into his hand again and starts to stroke it slowly, studying Tony’s expression. It dissolves from slightly self-conscious to unrestrained, his brows knitting from pleasure. Steve could watch him for hours, like this. He can feel a slight swell at the base of Tony’s cock already and they aren’t even fucking yet. 

”Steve.” Tony’s eyes are so pleading and Steve wants to just lose himself into them. He doesn’t let go of Tony’s eyes as he dips his fingers between his own wet thighs. ”Please, honey, I need – ah –”

Tony inhales, trembling with lust as Steve smudges his lips with slick. Something changes in the alpha - he closes his eyes, his breath turning short and tight. The feeling the bond channels to him makes Steve shiver – it’s not quite a threat, but it still feels like a warning. Steve keeps moving his finger on Tony’s lips, slowly and lightly, hardly daring to breathe. Every cell in his body is telling him to stop, to not tease an alpha this way, but it’s just a biological reaction and he doesn’t care because he’s hypnotised. Besides, he knows he can trust Tony.

”Tony”, he calls quietly, and Tony opens his eyes. His expression is a little harder than before but still praying for Steve to give him what he needs. Steve grabs the tie that’s still loosely around Tony’s neck and pulls it as he slips his fingers into Tony’s mouth, brushing his fingertips against the warm tongue gently. As the taste of Steve’s arousal spreads into Tony’s mouth a low growl finally escapes his throat. Steve is breathless.

”That makes me so wet”, he says, and if he’d say it any quieter, it couldn’t be classified as said aloud at all. But Tony hears him, his wrists twitching in their ties reflexively before he gets a hold of himself again. He could slip out of them easily if he wanted to; it’s a matter of self-discipline.

Steve pulls his fingers away, replacing them with his mouth. As he kisses Tony, he tightens Tony’s tie around his fist and guides his cock to his hole. Tony growls again, trying to kiss him back carefully, and Steve’s heart thumps as he waits to get bit painfully any second.

Tony manages to keep himself in check, but when Steve stops with just the tip past his rim, he stops to pant like he’s in pain and gives Steve a desperate look. Steve swings his hips backwards a tiny bit more just to slip Tony’s cock almost out of him again. He notices Tony’s muscles straining from the way he’s struggling to keep still, a hint of sweat on his forehead.

”You’re so sweet”, Steve smiles at him, pushing Tony’s hair back affectionately. ”So good.”

He relishes Tony’s expression one more time before he sinks his teeth to his neck and sits himself fully onto his cock simultaneously.

The sound that leaves Tony is something between a gasp and a groan. Steve begins to move his hips tenderly, his teeth marking Tony for himself – his alpha, so handsome and powerful, so gentle and loving and his only. Tony’s moans fill his ears, he can hear his blood running fast, feel his cock pulsing inside of him as he starts to move his hips a little faster –

”Oh my – fuck, Steve, stop, baby, stop, stop – stop moving”, Tony suddenly says, frantic enough to make Steve still his hips despite his enthusiasm. Steve understands, grinning a little to himself as he takes his time licking the mark he’s made, but takes care that his hips stay still. He doesn’t want this to be over quite this soon either.

”God”, Tony pants as Steve looks at him.

”Mm”, Steve kisses his neck. ”Feel good?” he teases.

”Shut up”, Tony laughs warmly. The tenseness has melted away from his features. Steve leans his forehead against Tony’s temple and reaches down to take his own cock lazily into hand as he waits for Tony’s pleasure to back down from the edge, sighing a little at the sensation. Tony’s lips brush against his jaw.

”Let me do that for you.”

Steve hums, considering.

”Ask nicely, alpha.”

Tony’s breath is warm on Steve’s skin as he nuzzles his cheek. ”Please let me touch you, baby.”

”Hmm.” Steve reaches to free Tony’s wrists, the shirt falling somewhere between the seats. Tony instantly buries his hands into Steve’s hair, pulling him into a kiss. Steve kisses him back, but bites Tony’s tongue before parting from him. Tony lets out a little whine in surprise.

”I didn’t say you could do that”, Steve says in a soft voice, not actually minding at all.

As Tony’s hand travels down his torso and wraps around his cock, Steve lifts himself up, his eyes fixed on Tony’s. He can’t help clenching around Tony’s erection as Tony strokes him exactly how he likes it, his other hand coming up to tease his nipple.

”Have I told you that I love your cock?”

Steve chuckles, blushing a bit under Tony’s intense gaze. The serum has made him bigger than a regular omega and his shaft is no exception.

”Yeah, I think you’ve mentioned it.”

”It’s perfect. _You’re_ perfect.”

God, Tony’s hand on him, his words, they feel so good. Steve’s been feeling so unworthy of love and affection, feeling like he’s got nothing to offer to Tony. He feels his emotions aching in his chest and closes his eyes, focusing on the sensation of Tony’s hands on him. He deserves this, he reassures himself, gathering his self-confidence.

”I’m glad you think so.”

He presses his palm against Tony’s chest, opening his eyes to meet Tony’s as he leans lower.

”Because it’s all for you”, he says, moving his hips experimentally. Tony breathes unevenly through his nose. ”And this”, he continues, pressing his mouth to Tony’s ear and squeezing his walls tightly around Tony’s cock, ”this is all for me.”

”Yes”, Tony agrees. His hand moves from Steve’s cock to grab his ass, pushing him down on his cock. ”Go ahead, baby. Take what’s yours.”

Steve moans, sucking Tony’s earlobe into his mouth. He starts riding him in long, slow, insanely satisfying motions. Tony’s hand stays on his ass, its pressure echoing Steve’s movements, and Steve swears there’s no better place for him to be than here in this car, rocking back and forth on Tony’s cock. For a while, he just enjoys himself in his own pace, concentrates on how sweetly Tony’s cock hits him every time it fills him.

Tony’s free hand finds his, and Steve clasps it, locking it into place. He kisses the mark he’s left on Tony’s neck, sucks it softly as he picks up the pace, his thighs working keenly. Tony’s hand squeezes his hip, the sound of his elevated breath driving Steve on. Tony feels so warm against him and Steve needs him so much, feels like he wants to tear his heart out of his chest and give it to him. But he isn’t afraid, doesn’t think about losing all of this now, because Tony’s rough grip on his skin is grounding and he’s right where Steve needs him.

” _You_ are perfect”, Steve tells him, leaning his forehead to Tony’s shoulder, slowing down a little. Tony moans as Steve bites his collarbone, and he means to be gentle, but gets so caught in it that when he lifts his face there’s a mark the colour of a plum on Tony’s skin.

He takes a look at Tony to see if there’s any discomfort on his face, but finds the exact opposite, his cock twitching at the sight. Tony’s eyes are dark from lust, his lips parted in a very kissable way. So Steve kisses him, greedily, tugging at his hair, and Tony complies to every one of his movements. He whines as Steve then bites him again, to the other side of his neck this time.

”Steve – ah, yeah”, Tony rambles, and Steve sucks his skin so hard he can taste the iron underneath, harder than a normal human could. ”Nnh, fuckthathurts –”

Steve lets go instantly, but Tony’s nails scrape his back.

”No, don’t stop, baby, don’t stop”, Tony urges him on, his hips now meeting the backs of Steve’s thighs each time he sinks his ass back down on his cock.

Obliging, Steve buries his teeth to Tony’s neck once again, a fourth purple mark starting to form onto his skin. He doesn’t hold back, but once in a while he stops to mouth Tony’s neck wetly, lewdly, using his tongue. His drool is getting all over and it really shouldn’t be that hot but Tony’s hips are bucking upwards uncontrollably, the source of his frantic wails alternating between pain and pleasure. Steve catches his other hand like the already locked one, pushing it against the seat forcefully. Tony hardly seems to even notice at this point.

”Yes, honey, I’m so close”, he moans, his chest heaving as blood breaks out into Steve’s mouth. Tony lets out a broken sound, and Steve is hit by the taste, a part of him wondering if it might be too far. But another part of him can only think like an animal, about Tony helpless under him as he rides his cock mercilessly.

”Yours”, Tony rasps, and Steve didn’t even ask it but he wants to hear it again, so he bites his jaw, working the muscles inside of him to create as much pressure on Tony’s cock as possible. He wants his seed inside him, needs it.

”Give it to me, Tony”, he growls, not letting go of his jaw. Tony whines.

”I’m – fuck, I’m – I’m yours, Steve – I’m gonna –”

And then Tony’s coming, groaning loudly as Steve milks him through his orgasm. Bliss fills Steve’s mind as he feels the fluid filling him, warm and _belonging_ , he thinks, his ass sucking the knot inside of him, his breath shaking as he keeps biting Tony. He feels hot white heat rising in his own stomach as he’s reminded of being bred, of Tony marking him in a way that his body wouldn’t erase. He can feel Tony’s heartbeat inside of him, his cock throbbing against his walls as he keeps releasing come inside of Steve.

Steve is whimpering, still chasing his own completion as Tony starts slowly coming down. He pushes himself up, taking in Tony’s wrecked look; he’s still out of breath, eyes half-lidded and damp around, the marks Steve’s left screaming with colour. Steve takes his own cock into hand, his heart filling with dark, lust-ridden satisfaction as he stares at Tony. Tony is his, it’s his marks all over him and it’s _their_ family, _their_ bond that Steve lives for, that he would kill for in a heartbeat.

Tony is still a little out of it, but he seems to sense the possessiveness Steve feels, because he takes Steve’s hand affirmatively, caressing the pulse point in his wrist tenderly. He inhales sharply as Steve keeps desperately clenching around his sensitive cock.

Mewling at the sensation of the knot swelling inside of him Steve strokes himself until all he can think about is _his alpha, his knot, his, his, his –_

”So pretty”, Tony smiles at him frailly, laying his hand over the one Steve has circled around himself, coaxing his strokes, and that finally sends Steve over the edge, crying out as long, white streaks of come coat Tony’s stomach, chest, neck and even his chin. He vaguely registers Tony humming at him appreciatively, his hand still clinging to his as Steve lets go of his cock. He pulls Steve’s trembling body gently into an embrace, Steve following the motion pliantly.

Steve’s body keeps jerking for a long time until, finally, the feeling of Tony petting his hair starts to take priority. Reality begins to emerge from under his post-coital haze, and he turns his face to eye the painful-looking claims on Tony’s skin. He’s not sure what he feels, doesn’t know what he _should_ feel. Tony doesn’t seem displeased, but as Steve looks at the blood still oozing faintly from Tony’s neck, he feels a sting in his chest. He wants to heal it, but he can’t, so he licks Tony’s neck instead, moving his tongue gently on the bruised skin.

”It’s okay”, Tony says, apparently sensing his distress. Steve lifts his face to get a confirmation for the soft tone from his face, but snorts when he sees Tony’s chin smeared with white. Tony grins wearily as Steve licks it off. Careful not to pull the knot, Steve shifts his weight off of Tony and beside him, allowing Tony to wrap his arm back around him.

”Gotta say, I’ve never seen an omega blow a load like you”, Tony mutters jokingly after a while, his fingers playing with Steve’s hair. 

They’ve been together for years, but Steve still doesn’t know how to react when Tony praises him for the weirdest things, things that should appear as unattractive to an alpha. He knows Tony says them earnestly, that he’d never mock him for how he is, but it’s hard to accept when all Steve sees himself is flaws. There’s a dichotomy inside of him, because where one part of him respects and values the responsibility he’d been given as Captain America enormously, another, private part of him feels wrong, malformed. Of course, he doesn’t miss being sickly and weak, but he sometimes can’t help envying the omegas that look like they were expected to look. Some of them are so beautiful in all of their grace that they almost make Steve himself want to protect them. It isn’t like Steve is the only omega with a bigger build out there, but everyone knows what type of an omega tends to get the most of attention.

Steve sighs, driving his thoughts away. There’s enough that rubbed him the wrong way in what Tony said to make a problem of the part that was probably meant to be a compliment – an odd one at that, but nevertheless.

”Don’t tell me that.” His voice is muffled from the way his face is nuzzled against Tony’s arm. He knows Tony’s been with others, of course he has. Steve even knows some of them, but he doesn’t want to hear a comparison of any kind to them, never has, not really even as a joke.

Tony laughs through his nose. ”That I’ve never seen an omega –”

”Tony”, Steve says tiredly. He’s not angry, he just doesn’t want to go to it. He shifts his face so that he can see Tony, his finger coming up to trail lines around the bruise on his collarbone. Tony’s still combing his hair with his fingers.

”You do know I’m not gonna leave you for an omega that won’t blow like that?”

Despite himself, Steve laughs. He kisses the bruise.

”I know”, he says, slightly embarrassed. ”I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.”

”No”, Tony says, surprising him. ”Don’t downplay it. Tell me.”

Steve startles, losing his ability to speak for a second.

”It’s stupid”, he says, looking away.

”It’s not stupid if it bothers you.”

Thinking back to the conversation between them not two hours ago, Steve realises Tony’s right. He’s just promised him access to his thoughts and feelings.

So he talks, in a quiet voice and with his face hidden, but still. He talks about his insecurities, about the pangs of jealousy. Tony listens to all of it patiently, even though most of it is not news to him, his thumb rubbing Steve’s stiff shoulder.

”… It’s just an uncomfortable thought to me sometimes, since for me there’s never been anyone else but you. Not like this. And there won’t be.”

”Darling, you weren’t exactly available. But I can assure you that the younger me would’ve lost his mind had he known he’d one day get to be the one to pop that cherry. God, it’s _still_ absurd.”

Steve had been ready to say something else, but his brow knits at the humour in Tony’s voice. He turns to look at him.

”What? What’s absurd?”

Tony smiles mischievously, pressing his mouth to whisper into Steve’s ear.

” _That I took the virginity of Captain America.”_

Steve rolls his eyes. ”Uh-huh.”

Tony kisses his cheek.

”Yeah, and guess what? Captain America also ate my neck so bad that I’ll be wearing a scarf ’til summer.”

Steve relaxes, huffing amusedly. He meets Tony’s eyes and finds them twinkling in a smile.

”I hope you don’t actually mind.”

”Honey. I would’ve said. I’m pretty sure I actually told you to keep at it. Besides, have I ever told you _not_ to mark me?”

”Yeah, I know, but I bit too hard. You realise you are bleeding?”

Tony wipes the most aggressively different shades of blue spot on his neck with his fingers, bringing it up to his face for inspection. His eyebrows rise as he eyes the hint of dried blood on them.

”Sorry”, Steve says quietly.

”Huh”, Tony says, shifting his eyes back to Steve. He leans closer until Steve can feel his breath on his lips.

”That’s fucking hot”, he says huskily. Then he kisses Steve tenderly, the knot twitching inside of Steve slightly. Tony hums, nipping at the tip of Steve’s nose playfully after they part.

”Silly idiot”, he says softly.

”I know. Why?” Steve leans his head back against Tony’s arm.

”Just are.”

Steve pretends to pout. Tony pokes his pushed out lip with a finger and Steve retracts it with a faux-stern face, then smiles, his eyes wrinkling.

”Well”, he starts earnestly. ”You’re not a an idiot at all. You’re wonderful.”

Tony’s face melts from humoured to compassionate. He studies Steve’s face as Steve continues.

”You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Tony. Even when it’s difficult, even when we fight, there’s no one I’d rather be fighting with.”

Tony shakes his head lightly, his lips curving.

”I can’t believe you’re mine”, he says, kissing Steve’s forehead. ”I can guarantee I’ll be fighting with you for a long time, sweet cheeks.”

Tony finds the blanket he’d used when he’d slept in the car from the backseat and settles it over them. They lie silently, surprisingly comfortable on their narrow car seat bed. When the knot starts to come down, Tony props himself up enough to check the time from the front panel.

”We should probably head home.”

”Yeah”, Steve agrees softly, pulling Tony back into his embrace with no immediate plans of getting up. ”Five more minutes.”

Tony pulls the blanket back up.

”Let’s make it fifteen”, he says, yawning and pressing his face into the dip of Steve’s neck.

  
***  
  
_Lavender_  
_Meaning: Happiness, love, devotion, peace_


End file.
